Sydney's Journal

3:42pm: Sometimes you just feel crazy
I swear I'm psychotic. Why can't I figure this out? Happy, sad, paranoid, bitchy. I wish it would go away. I had a great day hiking yesterday. I'm just really tired.

8:49pm: Pork Chopsh and Apple Shaush
I guess I don't have anything notable to talk about. Roar! Ok let's talk about ROAR. I don't know where it came from really. I mean my favorite word is still Falafel. But I seem to say and write ROAR a lot. I guess it's my way of saying "um", I really hate ums. I remember being in High School and having to sit and listen to oral reports and counting all the "ums" there were. It's strange, once you notice one you notice them ALL. And you kind of drown out everything, but the "ums" So why not change "um" into something more interesting. Like ROAR for example. People may look at your strange for a while, but they'll get used to it. It's amazing what people get used to. Two examples, my cat Dirtbike, everyone thought the name was strange, but after two weeks Dirtbike was as normal as Fluffy. You just have to insert it into your normal everyday vocabulary. Another example is my name change to Sydney. I was thinking about that a few minutes ago, while I sit in the dance office trying to think of things to do. I somethings think to myself, "Why did you change your name?" and sometimes I am actually really depressed about it. But it's just a name, it's not my identity. I changed it because I was bored of Danielle. But even typing Sydney and Danielle, they both seem kinda foreign to me. Oh well, I guess I will never understand my brain.

So yeah, my ultra sound is this Thursday. I am not nervous, there is nothing to be nervous about. But there is always that thought in the back of my mind thinking something could seriously be wrong, and I have put off finding out for so long. I know that if something were really wrong, I would have a huge support system. Well not huge as in quanity, but in quality. Drew has told me that if I had to have some sort of test where I would really be afraid, he would be there. I know that Lindsay and Jen would be there, Linds wouldn't be there physically, but I know her heart would be. Allyson, her mom, Jill...well I can name a few more, but why am I even thinking that. I just should shut the hell up and think of fun things. All I know is I love my friends.

This Friday I went to see my friend's band "Mr. Vertigo" play at the Chit Chat Lounge in Haverhill. At first I didn't really want to go, and then I really didn't want to go when at the last minute Drew cancelled (it wasn't a big surprise, just another dent in the wall), but I figured it was $10 for dinner, 2 drinks, and a CD. And man I am so glad I went because I had a lot of fun. Sure I smoked too many cigarettes, and I was sitting right in front of a speaker (I had to rip a tampon apart to stick a piece of cotton in my ears, and DAMN I hate the smell of sanitary products) But the band was spectacular. And I have never been one for live music either. It's strange. The opening band was just a guy at a piano and he drew me in right away. His words and his voice just made me sit there in awe. I don't know how to explain his music, it sounds more theatre than anything else, but it was great none the less. I ended up buying two of his CD's and talked to him a little bit. Yeah that was cool.

The rest of the weekend was spent going here and there and everywhere with Allyson. ROAR, I bought a really cute shirt at target that is so not my style, but I think it's time for a little change. It has cute little flowers on it, and I really can't think of any other clothing of mine with flowers. I also put earrings in and braided my hair. Oh my god am I getting girly?? Is there something in the water to make my estrogen flow deeper? Oy.

I missed seeing my friend Lindsay this weekend. But I saw her a couple of weeks ago, and I guess I can wait a little longer. I am going to have to take another trip down to CT sometime and chill.

ROAR, yeah well I guess that is it for this installment of "A Sydney's Life". That's all folks!

12:41pm: Is your uterus falling out?
Ok I know I promised I would finish writing yesterday about my time in VT. Well like I said I saw my brother, Tom, and I am ultra disappointed in him about the whole Thanksgiving thing. I don't really blame him for going to England, but he is either in denial, or he doesn't care about anyone, but himself. He was supposed to go to Wisconsin to see mom this Turkey Day, but apparently Renee bribed him with a free ticket to England if he spent Turkey Day with her/him/it geez I don't even know what to call my father. Stupid transsexuals. I just want a normal life God. Anyways, we spent turkey day with Renee last year and my mom really wants to see us. So when I saw my brother I brought up that whole England thing and apparently Renee didn't want anyone to know and told Tom not to tell anyone. But then why did Renee call my grandmother (my mom's mom) to tell her about it? Renee has NEVER called my grandmother before, they haven't talked in years, so Renee calls out of the blue to tell her, and Renee honestly thought she wouldn't tell my mom? COME ON!!!!!! Just more twisted, mind tricks, that my family seem to be oh so good at. OY. I think I may write Renee am email, now mind you I haven't talked to the Man/Woman since my birthday in May because of what happened. Renee is a pathetic excuse for a human being, and grrrrr ROAR

Anyways, onto my next topic, which is what the Title is about. I like being abnormal. I like getting my freaking period once or twice a year, but I don't understand why I am now getting it every other week!!!!!! OY.... I get one week off between them and I want to rip my ovaries out!!!!! So my friend Allyson tells me she thinks I am pregnant because my hormones are changing and it's causing me to bleed, a sort of reverse thing I guess. So I am freaking out because a child is not in my plans. Not now, not ever. So I go to the girly doctor to get my under the hood checked, and first thing she does is have me piss in a cup. So after peeing all over my hand and just getting absolutely frustrated, I sit in a white room and everything feels differet. It's a different doctor, a different room, OH MY GOD I'm pregnant is going through my mind. Then the doctor comes in with the pregnancy test (which my other doctor never did) and I am screaming inside OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO HAVE TO KILL IT. I know I am not very PC, but that was what I was feeling. She puts the test on the table and it's NEGATIVE. THANK EFFING GOD!!!!!! So apparently she thinks I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and next week I get an ultra sound and extensive blood work. Yay. My ovaries are so tender, and she was pushing on them and it hurt so bad. When I got home, Jen came over and we chilled for a while. I just couldn't imagine if it was positive....I would have been so upset. I mean sometimes I think about children, and I think of it as a "romantic" thought, and that is because I just think of it as being a child, and when I remember to think about the responsibility that's when I come back to reality and say NOPE, NO WAY.

Well I guess that is it for todays entry. Lunch time is almost up. See you all later!

9:15pm: I'm a pixie, I'm a paperdoll, I'm a cartoon
Vermont - land of the beautiful scenery? Land of the homosexuals? No, this weekend it was land of the transsexuals. Gotta love my interesting life. But all that aside, I had a wonderful weekend.

Friday night after work I quickly gathered my things together for a weekend away with Drew. It concerned me when Drew didn't get home at 5pm like normal. He knew I wanted to leave at 6pm, it's a 3 hour drive to Stowe, VT. Courtney stopped by around 5:30pm to drop a cd off to me, Indigo Girls - Swamp Ophelia (one of my favorites), and while she was there I couldn't really pay attention to her. I mean I know she was talking to me, and I said some words back, but I was getting frustrated because Drew wasn't home. He has a habit to change his mind at the last minute and cancel plans. And I was going to be so disappointed if that happened and he just didn't want to face me. I know I get upset easily, but somethings are meant to have emotion expressed. Anyways around 5:50pm Drew pulls in the driveway and doesn't really look at me. Here I am standing in the driveway with Courtney, waiting for Drew, and when he finally shows, he doesn't look at me. So of course I know what that means. He is going to wait until Court leaves to tell me he doesn't want to go. Well I finally get Courtney to leave, she was saying something about some guy she likes and wants me to meet, and I should go up next weekend to meet him, blah dee blah dee blah.

I go in the house, walk into the bedroom and Drew is getting ready. I was so excited. I need to stop assuming things. It's a bad habit. We got out the door around 6:15pm and made our way up to VT. The rain sucked. It was so gross out, and I feared that the whole weekend was going to be that way. Halfway to our destination we stop in Lebanon, NH for a pee break and I was sitting in the bathroom smiling to myself because I am with a person who makes me feel so great. Yes I know it's gross, I can't help that after a year I am still a giddy little school girl. Oy. Anyways we finally make it to Rachel (the transsexual) and Joyce's (the wife - natural woman) house. It was fun because they were already drunk and Drew got comfortable right away. I feared that being in the presence of a man-turned-woman that wasn't related to me would make him feel weird. We talked until late and they let Drew and I have Rachel's 85 year old mom's room. That was weird. A full size bed with this big cross over it, and Drew and I were to sleep in there together. I felt like a sinner right away and I didn't even do anything!!! But we were good, we went to sleep. I swear, that's ALL we did, well at least that night. The next morning however, we couldn't contain ourselves. We defiled that woman's bed, and gave it more action than it has ever seen. Those damn hormones.

That morning after sex, lol, Joyce made a wonderful breakfast and Drew and I went on our way to do Vermonty things since he has never been there. We drove down Route 12 and the trees were beautiful. I love the autumn color. We drove into Montpelier, the only state capital in the US that doesn't have a McDonalds. The capital is literally only 4 blocks big. It was so funny. Oh and do you know what I found in a little store??? Gum with the jelly inside. Does anyone remember that? I had to have some!!! It felt so yummy having the jelly shoot into my mouth. mmmmm

We also stopped at this waterfall along side of Rte. 12 and hiked to get closer. The rocks were so slippery. It was fun. Drew got a wonderful shot of me baring my breasts on top of the waterfall. It's nifty I tell ya.

Next was the Von Trapp estate. I love it up there. Granted there is nothing besides scenery and a cheesy gift shop, but still you have to go to experience VT. There were HUNDREDS of old people. I wanted to kick them all.

Also Ben & Jerry's, the Cabot Cheese place, and the town of Stowe itself. We ate at this place called "The Shed" where they made there own beer. I had Pumpkin Beer...it was yummy. For lunch I had Spinach Strudel...oh my god was that good.

My brother was up for the weekend and I'll have to write about that another time because it is quittin' time for me....until tomorrow....

4:13pm: I need a big word, an S.A.T. word...... EARMUFF
Ack I haven't written in so long. Work has been hectic and extremely frustrating due to the fact that the other females (and I use that word loosely) are ridiculous. They spend half their day talking and being very critical over others, and then when 3pm comes around Karen has to leave because her knee hurts. And so Carla ends up driving her home and leaves for the day. Today is a great example of that. My question is what in the hell did Karen do to hurt her knee so much when all she did was sit on her ugly ass all freaking day!!!! So they left at 3pm and I am here in the office all by myself with nothing to do. Well I have work to do, but why should I do it? GRRRRRR

But other than that I had a magnificent weekend. I got to see my lovely turtle dove Lindsay!!!!!!! I was running so late Friday morning that I didn't get down there at 11am like I wanted, but I got there around 1pm I think. I just love that girl...she is just a fabulous person. Whenever we are together it's like the world is filled with Bubbles and Flowers....it's just lots of fun. Even when Lindsay became a chronic Red Light Drive-Througher it was just very funny. Oops I ran a red light, oops there is another red light. In my mind it became a game, like maybe the world was upside down. ROAR STICKY BUNNNNNNS

The her boyfriend Chad, who I have only met twice I think and hadn't seen him in YEARS, came up from NJ, and dude he is a lot of fun. Very wacky and silly and it was just a great thing when the three of us were chillin, talking and being wacky. I am very happy for Lindsay and Chad. They are a great couple, ultra cute together, makes me want to vomit ;) In a good way of course...not in a bulemic (crap I don't even want to spell things correctly) way, but in a "I ate way too much freaking candy on Halloween and all the sweetness is making me sick and I know I have to puke it up, but DAMN it tastes good!" sort of way. You know?

The faire was so much fun, I bought a cute halo of flowers which I wore driving home from CT yesterday. This guy covered in mud named "Rufus" kept coming up to me and staring at me, so one time I stared back and he fell asleep. Damn what control I have over dirty old men. LOL

Wayne Brady freaking ROCKED!!!!!!!!! Nothing beats improv!!!!!

I was so sad to leave my beloved Lindsay and her wack-job boyfriend Chad, but I know they wanted some alone "bowm-chicka-bowm-bowm" time and it just was not right for me to stay longer. Besides I wanted to get home. But I stopped at my aunt and uncle's in RI before going home. I love those people they are so fun.

Anyways I got home and Drew was sooooo happy to see me!!!!! I love that feeling!!! We went to "bed" at 8pm, just because we missed each other sooo much. Then woke up at 2am for another round. God I love sex. ehehehehehhe I'm a silly monkey bunny wah wah.

Ok home time!!!!!!!

3:55pm: Get over yourself, today is not about you
I know I have to write about my experience in Salem, MA but today is not the day. Today isn't about your weekend, today isn't about school or work, and today definitely isn't about your crappy life. Because you know what? If your life was that crappy, you would have been killed a year ago today. But you're not, you weren't a part of that nightmare so get over yourself. I get so sickened when people take a day like today to shout over the rooftops how shitty life has been to them, and how they could have killed themselves, or were almost killed at another part of their lives. Just shut up about yourself for one fucking day.

Today is remembering those that were lost. All those who innocently died because they hopped on a fucking plane to go home, or to a business meeting, or on vacation. Today is to give a moment of silence for all of those who were killed for going to work that day. Today is to open up a space in your heart for those men and women who were sent to death because they were doing their job to save people. Close your eyes and feel those people, how terrified, how alone, and how distraught they must have been, knowing they would never see their families again. Imagine how hard it must have been to call your wife, your husband, or some other member of your family to say good-bye because you knew, you KNEW you weren't going to make it alive. This wasn't an attack of war, these were innocents, not men carrying guns. These were men and women who got up every morning, put their pants on one leg at a time just like we do. This is the worst thing my country has ever been through, I say my country meaning since I've been alive. People were killed for no reason. That isn't right. Listening to the radio today at lunch made me weep. The River played 4 songs while I was driving, I Will Remember You - Sarah Mcglaughlin, Only the Good Die Young - Billy Joel, Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton, and We Will Overcome - Bruce Hornsby (?) I don't ever want to forget this day. I don't want America to go back to it's normal ways tomorrow, what happened to the patriotism this time last year? How did it dwindle? We became so close because of this tradgy and now we are strangers again. Go figure.

I just want to say that today is a sad day. Remembering those people is hard. Remembering those visions is hard. But it is something you need to do. We experienced something awful from a far. We weren't there in the thick of it, but in our hearts we mourned something awful. I really don't care who you are, you aren't bigger than this.

I guess that is all I have to say.

4:20pm: Falafel chimichanga slurpie doo
Ok.... I am so busy at work lately I haven't had time to update. Not that my life is really all that exciting. Last Thursday I decided I wanted to get drunk with Drew. Well I accomplished just that. I drank a ton of margaritas and a few shots of aftershock. I started talking to Drew how I felt on many different things etc etc. Ok yeah I made an idiot out of myself. And come to find out he read my online journal. I am not made, I mean anyone can read it. It's just embarrassing I guess. It's my thoughts and feelings that I don't say to him, so I write them down. So in essence him reading was me talking. He didn't make fun of me though. He said that there was probably a lot of truth in it. I don't know some people may think I am crazy for waiting around and trying so hard, but in all honestly I'm not. I'm not waiting for anything, I am going with the flow. I mean what choice do I have? And besides what else is there to do? It's not like I have so many people to choose from, so what's the rush? Ooh that sounded bad.... let me just put it this way even if there were a bunch of people to choose from, I'd still choose what I have or don't have with Drew. I can't explain it, hell I don't even understand it myself. But that's just me.

Saturday morning I was going to Wal-Mart to pick up some things and decided to stop by and see Allyson. Well I ended up driving her to Woburn, MA to check out a Jeep, we had a super fun day. And she ended up buying a 2002 Steel Blue Jeep. This this was beautiful. I was so jealous that her payments are a lot lower than mine, but after trying to take the top off and put it back on, I know why I didn't end up getting one. Yeah the guy that helped her with the Jeep was a 22 year old guy named Adam. He was just really awesome. We had a lot to talk about because he loves VW's, was in musicals, likes to dance, etc. And he's not gay so go figure. He was just on the same wave length of Allyson and I, so it made car shopping a joy and not a chore.

Then Saturday night Drew and I went to the Hampton Casino Ballroom to watch Joe Rogan. Man, he was hilarious. We got there 2 hours before it started and hung out, got bored, smoked some cigs. The bar there sucks. Drew had about 6 margaritas, all of them were pretty much margarita mix with a slash of tequila. All I wanted to do was go on the beach afterwards and get a picture taken in a photo booth. But then after the show Drew said it was too cold and wanted to go home. I don't understand sometimes. These were my tickets that I won, I asked him if he wanted to go, then why do I let him boss me around? It wasn't "bossing" around, but I just have to say "No we are going to do something I want to do". I just like to please too much I guess. It gets aggrivating after a while.

Sunday I was super bored. Drew just wanted to hang out in the garage. And I don't mind doing that, but sometimes I want to do something else, and he's just content there. It's amazing he doesn't get bored. So I left and hung out with Allyson for a while. I also started the Atkins Diet too. I know I'll do fine....so I really don't need to talk about that.

So I am super broke. But when am I not. I had to borrow $140 from Allyson just to bring my bank account to $1.13. I have no idea what happens to it. GRRRR But the Jon called Tuesday and said that he didn't have any work for me for the next couple of weeks, and that upset me because that $36 for three hours a week gets me gas and clean clothes. So I was very tense. Then Allyson said she needed someone to work at the front desk at her studio on Wed. nights from 6-9. So for 3 hours a week I get $40. And it was super fun. I am very proud of Allyson, her studio is awesome and she is just a great teacher, she'll do fine.
So yeah, I told Jon that I am going to work Wed. nights for Allyson because I need money desperately, and he got upset. I told him I could work any other night of the week for him when he gets work, but he is just pissy. I wanted to say "Listen, I'm sorry if it sucks for you, but not getting money sucks for me" Why don't I say these things? GRRRR I hate holding everything inside.

So I am going to look for another job, to take up other evenings and weekends. That way I will have no time for myself, but money coming in.

Work has been hectic. But I have been a rockin' employee though. I get so much done that it amazes me.

Ok I really have to go. Oh wait...I got an email from my aunt and uncle who invited me down this weekend. I can't go because I have no gas, but they were like "Renee will be here and she'd be so thrilled to see you". Yeah but I wouldn't be thrilled to see Renee. I guess people really don't get it. Renee may be blood, but it is nothing else. Stupid Transexual Homosexual Parents. Why did I have to end up with a dad who wanted to be a woman to date other women, and a mother who is a lesbian? God I need to be on Jerry. LOL

Ok I am leaving now, really.....

3:46pm: Luck be a lady tonight.....
Mmmmm Jalapeno Cheese Dorito Cracker snacks are SOOOO good and they are only $0.25!!! MMM

The past weekend I got to spend sometime with Jen. She is awesome. We dyed her hair, and she kept me company so I didn't have to be alone in the scary house. Drew went to the Patriots game and got home at 2am. I asked him "Did you have a good time?" He said "Yup and I even got arrested" At that point I shot out of my chair and laughed. Apparently the moron was trying to steal a road cone, a stupid road cone, and the cops nabbed him. He didn't get charged and they let him out of jail after a half an hour.

Saturday he went up to NH International Speedway and I spent the whole day doing laundry and cleaning. That night I decided to call Dom because no one was around and he had called me the day before and I didn't want to be rude. So I ended up going to his place for a dinner party and watched Orange County. The food was super yummy, I made the salad :) And the people were fun to talk with. But Orange County was stupid and Dom was really wearing on me. He has the most immature sense of humor and is just WAY TOO OVER THE TOP...and that's saying something if it's way too over the top for me. I know that Dom still likes me and I can't help that. I am not about to stop being friends with him because he sees me as something he wants as a relationship and I see him as someone I can only take once every few months. I know that he is lonely, and he likes to be in relationships, and I know he hasn't had sex in a while, but why does he look my way? I don't go out of my way to make him feel good. In fact I try to sway him the other way because it will never happen. He is a super nice guy, would do anything for me, but I can't even begin to see him as anything but Dom. Grrr

Anyways....yesterday morning I was getting ready for work and I was listening to Rock 101 "The Morning Buzz" on the radio. And on came the impossible question. I always love to play at home and I usually get them wrong, but hey it spices up a normal work morning. Anyways the Impossible Question came on and I thought I knew it. So I decided to try to get through on the hotline. I finally got through it was so exciting and there I was LIVE on the radio. The question was "According to a mens magazine...33% of men have admitted to have done this while driving." Some guesses were, masturbate, shave, pee while driving, pick their nose, I guessed aim for poor unsuspecting animals who are too stupid to get out of the road. They were like "you are soooo close they are not alive" so I said "aim for
poor unsuspecting dead animals who are too stupid to die out of the road. So
I won it was exciting. I won 2 tickets to go see Joe Rogan (Comedian and host of Fear Factor) this saturday. So after I got off the phone with the radio station I called Drew because I was so excited. He picked up his cell and said "I heard you! I heard you!" Apparently he had tried to call in, but couldn't get through and once he heard me say my name on the radio he knew it was me! HOW EXCITING. So yay. I think my new hobby is going to try to call as many radio stations to try to win prizes.
Ok that's it...gotta work...very busy beeee yar!!!!!!

4:05pm: Ow! Quit it!!!! OW!!! QUIT IT!!!!!!
Ok....it's about that time again. Time for me to put off working and type away. Right now the temp that was hired to "Help" me is pissing me off because she can't seem to do anything without checking with me 50 times first. "Should I put paper in the printer?" yes "Should I put paper in the printer?" yes "Should I put paper in the printer?" YES!!!!!! Like I have nothing better to do than hold your hand. I don't get paid nearly enough to deal with this shit. GRRRRR And now the stupid copy machine is effing up and I want to wrestle it!!! DIE XEROX DIE!!!!!!
Anyways...
Last Thursday, Drew and I woke up around 6am and got ready for work. It's a normal routine. He get's up first, takes a shower, then I get up and shower and he leaves. By the time I get to work he is already online and I say my good mornings to him. Well I got to work Thursday and he wasn't online. He didn't come online ALL day. He didn't even check his email. So I went home for lunch thinking his car may have been sounding weird, turned around on the way to work, and got home after I left. But when I got home during lunch he wasn't there. I was freaking out, I left a message on his cell phone, it wasn't like him to not contact me. So all day at work I was reeling through the possibilities, and my worst thought was he got in an accident. I got home from work around 5:30pm and he STILL wasn't there. Around 10pm I am freaking out, no word from Drew. I called his cell again, saying "I hope you are alive I'm going to bed, I hope to see you when I wake up" AT 15 MINUTES PASSED MIDNIGHT HE FINALLY PULLS IN THE DRIVEWAY!!! I should have been pissed, but I was more relieved than anything. He comes in and says "Hey there slappy!!!" And I of course said "WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!!" His answer??? Ok are you ready for this? Maybe you should sit down. HIS ANSWER WAS "I was at Six Flags" !!! Can you believe that!!! Apparently he went to work, was there 10 minutes and a guy came in saying he had 4 free tickets, did anyone want to go with him. I can't believe I was ready to die of worry and he was at Six Flags. He left his phone in the car all day so he never got my messages. Wouldn't you kill him too??? GRRRRRRR At least have the decency to write me an email before you leave to gloat!! That way I don't worry!!!
Then I think he felt really bad because this weekend he was super great. Friday I was driving home after having a few drinks with a friend and an awful lightening storm was having fun. I was freaking out driving, I kept calling Drew because I was nervous. He was so good about it. All of a sudden I saw lightening, then a huge ball of sparks, all the businesses lost their power, and the rain go so bad that I couldn't see the road. I hate thunderstorms and I was all alone. Drew just kept reminding me "you are in the safest place. if you get hit by lightning, or a power line falls on top of you don't touch the door handles..." When I got home it felt so great to be in his arms.

Then he knew that I had wanted to go camping this summer, but there was no way it was going to happen. So he got a tent, set it up, built a small little fire in front of it, turned on a gas lantern and cooked me dinner on the grill. It was so sweet. Ok so we were in the yard, but it was the sentiment of it all. That night I fell asleep a happy clam. When I woke up in the morning Drew told me he hadn't slept and his back was killing him. Of course we all know why, it's because he's old, but I felt bad. I asked him why he just didn't go inside and he said "No you're out here" :) AWHWHWHWHWH

What a weekend huh? I finished my weekend off by watching Lord of the Rings alone, because Drew fell asleep at 6pm....I didn't mind, he looked so cute curled up on me.

One thing I have been wondering is, when am I going to get to see my friend Lindsay????

4:09pm: How's that fat ass in the picture, It's ME, It's ME
So I decide that if I write a check today it won't clear until at least Friday, so I went to walmart and only bought things I needed, like shampoo, conditioner, my pictures from 2 weekends ago, and then I bought Lord of the Rings on VHS because I told myself I was going to buy it. Somehow Walmart sucked me out of $79.05. And I ask myself, why are things so expensive. Looking at my receipt it goes like this:

Trash bags - $5.94
Body Wash - $3.13
Shampoo - $2.47 (Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen Hydrating)
Conditioner - $2.47 (Again the Olsen twins)
Dawn Dish Soap - $0.98
Dove Unscented Soap 6-pack - $5.67
Dishwand (to wash dishes) - $2.48
Crest Toofpaste - $1.98
Maybelline Makeup in the Nude - $6.78
Make-up Remover - $4.87
Deoderant Plumeria Scented - $1.47
Face Wash Suave - $2.97
Eyeliner Black Onyx - $4.72
Lord of the Rings VHS - $14.78
My photos - $14.82
Ciggys - $3.52

Ok why is makeup so much money? $4.87 for makeup remover is ridiculous, but an other brand gives me a rash....what the is world coming too? Even soap is expensive. I just wish everything was free for me. GRRRRRRR
Tonight I go to work for Jon, yay, money, gas money, why does the world revolve around money? I found out on a quiz today that if I was an affliction I would be syphillis and Drew would be Gonnorhea. How awful is that? LoL. Him and I like to swap things to each other during the day at work and keep each other entertained. Yay.
So I was watching American Idol last night, and some people just suck. I don't understand. And Paula Abdul is such a moron. I love Simon, he rocks my world. MMHMMM
Oh wait back to quizzes...I found this site with like 50 billion of them...I want to share...and sometimes when you go to a quiz it lists more so here it is http://www.tbns.net/vermilion/curb/exit/tests.html
It is so hot outside...I can't believe it...yet I love it. It feels nice, like a sauna, I guess if I was in it for a long period of time I would hate it, but since I am in air conditioning all day, the heat is nice. YAYYAYAYYAYAYAYYAYAYAYA
Ok...I am outie......roar chicka bowm bowm

4:45pm: There is an alien in my stomach....
I went to bed last night next to my honey and I felt awful. My stomach was killing me and I had no idea if I need to burp, puke or shit. Yeah I know I am so lady-like. Once 3AM hit, and I realized if I didn't figure out what needed to be done, I would never get any sleep. I just don't understand why I was so ill. Maybe it was all that processed, fake meat..I had one smoked balogna sammich that Drew made me. So there I was on the bathroom floor, trying to puke my guts up, but it hurt so bad. My heart felt like it was going to seizure. Yeah so last night wasn't a fun sleep night.
This weekend didn't go as planned at all. I got home friday and started packing, but then Jon never called me back, so we didn't have a tent to go camping with. So Drew got home and he said we'd just sleep in his car, and I am sorry I wasn't about to go sleep in his car, so I told him to go and I'd clean the house. So Drew left and I hate that house when I am alone. It makes all sorts of noises. Ghost noises. It sounded like someone was constantly dropping heavy things upstairs, but no one was in the house but me. I guess that's what you get when you live in a 200 year old school house. Around 1am after Drew left, I went to Allyson's. We talked and I fell asleep there. And pretty much that was my whole weekend. I did laundry, cleaned and watched TV. By the time Drew got home on Sunday I was so excited to be able to hug him. Yes I was disappointed I didn't get to go camping, but I can't sleep in cars, I just can't.
Bruce is bothering me. He stopped by saturday and I didn't want to let him in the house because no one else was there. He has turned really creepy and he is scary. He stops by everyday, and Drew and I ignore him because we don't want to see him everyday. He lives in Haverhill, so why is he in Derry everyday? I just want him to leave everyone alone, deal with his own problems, and make something of his life.
Jon got in a car accident this weekend and totalled his new car. He was very upset. Although I don't understand, he says he was alert, hands at 10 and 2, wasn't day dreaming, wasn't high, yet he thought the car in front of him was still moving, so he rear ended him without hitting the breaks. I just don't understand how that can happen. I don't know. He hurt his arm, and of course he makes everything sound a lot worse than it actually is. I don't think that it will affect his drums at all.
Well I have to go and clean my desk before I head home. Grrrr My eyeball hurts.

2:48pm: I am going camping this weekend with Drew and I leave work in 10 minutes!!! YAY.... I wanna go to Hawaii YAY.... I am going to kill Jon for getting that in my head...YAY... Roar.... I want the temp to shut up and stop asking me so many questions...I want to stick a pair of scissors in my ears. YAY...My feet smell, I need new shoes. Monkey Love. Monkey Love. Random thoughts float through my head like a raft in a Wave Pool. Up and down, Up and down.... Beware of the rabid hippo!!!! Ok...I am going now...... lot's of dots.....connect the dots...la la la la......NARF

4:22pm: Peter called me last night. Hmmm... oh don't worry I am not going to trust him. I have no reason too. But it has been a long time. It's like going to a high school reunion and wanting to see someone you didn't really care for so you can throughly exploit and exaggerate your life. Just to make them feel small. "Oh I see you got fat and ugly, well my husband was the first Brain Surgeon to work on a billion patients, all with his eyes closed. And I am a super model." But I am not going to go to the extreme with Peter, who knows maybe that selfish, untrustworthy, back-stabbing kid grew up to be pretty cool. I will give him a chance. But the second it feels like old times, is when I pull the plug.
I am upset, I have no money. It's not that I don't know how to save, it's just that I have no funds to save. I get bill, after bill, after bill...and not one is for a credit card. Imagine me with a credit card? I would be in so much debt. I wish money didn't matter. Would I be happier if I were rich? Probably, because I wouldn't have to worry about "How am I going to wash my clothes?" GRRRRR
My legs are still hurting from climbing that mountain with Drew. I want to do it again, but I'd have to do it alone and at my own pace, that way I can monitor how my legs are feeling. I need to lose weight, not that I am huge, but for some reason even strenuous exercise doesn't do anything. I need to go to the girly doctor to get my "thing" looked at. God I hate the girly doctor. They need to make the atmosphere like a massage parlor. Dim the lights, play some Enya, talk softly. None of this Get naked, wrap yourself in this gross feeling paper, open wide while I stick this hard, cold clamp in you, and don't worry it WILL hurt. All the while you worry, Do I smell ok? Did I wipe enough? Do I have any tissue paper stuck anywhere? GRRR Oh well, I worry about Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I read the symptoms and I pretty much have them all...But I hate bad news. GRRRRR Meow....
Oh well...it's quittin' time here at work. I get to go home and be with my lovely. YAY

4:01pm: One hour left, one hour until I get to go home and be with the one person in the world whom I have ever really loved. And the only person in the world I could never say that I love him. I say "I love you" to all of my friends, but if I say it to him I feel like I may lose something. Drew is wonderful, most of the time. Sure, like everyone else he gets to be a real prick. But it's when I catch him off-guard, when he doesn't think I am paying attention, that's when I love him the most. His nephew killed himself last week and he cried. "Crying makes you weak" at least that is what I always thought he believed when I cried around him. But I guess that was just my pride talking. He was a little boy, and not the 33 year old bastard he makes himself out to be.
Yes I know he cares for me, and maybe even loves me in a way, but I am not pushing anything. It has been 11 months now, and he is still sticking to his guns that we are not in a relationship (officially). In private we are, in public we are not. Being married twice does put sort of a damper on your heart I understand that, but I wish I could make him see that I am not either of those two women. He would be very upset if he lost me. I know that. I saw it in his eyes that day I told him I was moving out. How come he can't tell me exactly how he feels? I have never met anyone in my life who makes me more happy when I think about them. I am usually so careful with my personal feelings. I try not to let go too much, in fear of hurt and disappointment. But with Drew, I let go of all my barriers, opened up all of my scars so he could see what's inside. I want to tell him I love him because I do.
On a side note, I am here at work and these women from Comfort Inn came in to say hello and bring me cookies and a coffee mug. I am wondering if they have anything better to do than meet with clients to bring them food. Work sucks right now because I have way too much crap to do and don't want to do it. GRRRR
My mind is wondering so don't mind me as I babble. Let's talk about something really good. My friend Lindsay. With so many people in my life who don't mean that much to me, well this girl is #1. I miss her so much. I wish we still lived down the street from each other so I could pick her up at 1:00am, and get coffee and talk about the gay men we love. I have never met anyone whom I have so much in common with. Maybe that is why we get along so well. She has been my sunshine for so many years. I can see us being 67 and still being great friends. LINDSAY I MISS YOU!!!!
OH well I have so much work to do so I must end this.
"Out of darkness have emerged the strongest souls"

1:11pm: First Entry
Today is the 2 year anniversary of a former best friend's mother's death, and I don't know if I should call her. This should be an easy decision, but only recently have we parted ways and I just don't know what to do. Courtney and I have known each other for 6 years, we were very close. With my sister's death from cancer and her mother struggling with it, we had a common bond. Six years, but in the past 2 years we began to grow apart because we both changed. I changed from being the happy, subservient friend who let people walk all over me to a stronger willed individual who didn't like to be walked on anymore. She changed from being the friend who was always happy to the girl who was mad at the world and thought that everyone owed her something. Yes, she has had it rough...but so have many other people. My life isn't picture perfect, quite the opposite in fact, but hey I still manage to listen when someone's down, do as much as I can for the few good friends that I have. All I ask is don't treat me like I am stupid because I give more of myself to others than you. No one likes a know it all, snob...especially me. So where did we go wrong? Or maybe we were brought together for a short while to help each other out...and now the bridge that closed the gap between our personalities has collapsed...Closed due to flooding. Yes, I understand the word Orphan. Courtney has no parents, but I have an absence of my own parents too, just not in the "deceased" sense, which I am not even about to get into right now.
Sometimes I wish I could just let go as easily as others. But I try to find the good in people. But I can't with Court anymore. She has seemed to let the disappointment of her life corrupt her heart and I can't take the mental abuse. Yes I am stronger than before, but I am still a long way from being invincible.
So back to my dilemma, do I call her? Or do I pretend like her mother never meant anything to me? My heart says to call, my brain says to let it be. Why don't they agree? I should call, and just let everything she has done recently to make me feel uncomfortable in my own home slide, just for the day. Then tomorrow I can wake up and feel better hopefully...

Quote "Keep your face toward the sunshine and the shadows will fall behind you" -Walt Whitman